Marriage Advice Archives

Broken Trust Requires Rebuilding

It is in your best interest to repair your relationship following a broken trust. I know there are many people screaming just the opposite viewpoint. They have experienced hurt and betrayal of every description and degree. I understand how hard it is to face an uncertain future with only a broken past for a reference point. Let me explain to you the reasons why I believe that it is in your best interest to find healing and restoration instead of separation.

Read the rest of this entry

Broken Trust Requires Healing

We have talked about how we cover up our deepest thoughts, feelings and desires. We have talked about how we can paint over the outsides without changing the insides. We have already discussed our desire to be seen as “unbroken people” even though we know the truth about ourselves.

When those broken things show up in our relationship

If we continue to use our fixer-upper house illustration, we can do one of two things; we can put up another layer of wall paper and cover the problem again, or we can tear off the dry wall and fix the real problem before we do the things to make it look acceptable again. Broken trust is simply finding out that the other person is a flawed individual that could not conceal the truth forever. The marriages that survive these points of crisis are the ones that focus on fixing something deeper than they had ever imagined could exist and moving forward together. Those that eventually do not survive are those that paper and paint until they give up on what they believe is a hopeless case.

There are no hopeless cases. There are only cases that are not fundamentally fixed.

Read the rest of this entry

Broken Trust

Nothing breaks our hearts more than when someone breaks our trust. We work with an assumed social contract with those people closest to us. The people we call our closest friends are assumed to be those people who would never do anything to harm us. We expect our friends to support us and encourage us. We are expected to support and lift them up as we do our part of keeping that social contract of friendship.

The closer the friendship, the more devastating the results will be from a broken trust. Take it one step further; we never expect our marriage partner to do anything that would break our covenant vows. The reality is that sometimes friends will let us down. When it is our marriage partner it is as destructive as an 8.5 earthquake and a 25 foot tsunami besides!  We look at our spouse afterward and wonder, “Can I ever trust that person again?”

Read the rest of this entry

Be the Spouse not the Parent

This is the third lesson in our discussion of the Parent-Child-Adult within each one of us. I will be honest. Some people tell me that they have difficulty getting their minds around the idea that we have three different people living inside our heads! It is not hard for me because I have listened to hundreds of couples tell me of their battles. I listen to who said what to whom (and then back and forth a few dozen times). In just a few minutes I can see the patterns of who is working in the Parent and who is working in the Child (or both trying to be the dominate Child and this one is very bad). Most of the time couples have the same arguments over and over again once they establish a pattern. Once I see the pattern of how they interact with each other, I can make recommendations that will allow them to disagree without continuing to do damage to their relationship.

Read the rest of this entry

The “Child” Within Us

This is the second of three articles on the discussion on the Parent-Child-Adult within us. The discussion about the “Child” part of our personality is much more fun. The Child is that automatic, built-in emotional core of who we are. It is not learned because you will find a newly born infant crying his eyes out like his heart is broken even in the delivery room of the hospital where he was born! That child is protesting the cold temperature of the room, the harsh treatment of the doctors and nurses, the abuse of being scrubbed and cleaned as well as being humiliated by being treated as a separate object for the first time in his life! That infant is 100% living in the Child!

Read the rest of this entry

Who’s in Control?

I was a very young father who was coping with being a part-time church custodian, a full-time student as well as having our first toddler at home. At one point I became frustrated with my young son and yelled, “If you do that again, I’ll nail your hide to the wall.” When he heard my words he asked, “When can I get down?” I just had to smile for two reasons. First, I had never used that expression before in my life. Second, it was a word picture that I did not even recognize what it was. All I could think about was, “Where did that come from?”

Read the rest of this entry

Guilt and Grace

Nobody knows you better than your marriage partner. So no one can answer the question of how well you do your job as a husband or wife, better than they can. We all make mistakes. We don’t do it right all the time. So how do you handle this kind of  guilt? How do you show grace to your spouse? Listen and learn.

Guilt and Grace are indispensable in marriage from PastorBobDouglas on Vimeo.

Are You Drifting Apart?

Do you feel like you’ve drifted away from your spouse? How do you re-connect? How would you answer the puzzle we give you in this video? After you watch the video, drop me a note and let me know your answer.

….When you DRIFT Apart! from PastorBobDouglas on Vimeo.

Making Marriage Work

There’s never a day you should not be bringing your “A Game”  into your marriage relationship. If professional athletes accept advice and take lessons to improve their game, we should be willing to learn new ways to improve our marriage. Listen to the video and see where you can tweak it up a bit. You will be pleased with the results.

Why do YOU think I need MarriageHelp? from PastorBobDouglas on Vimeo.

I can just hear the screams of protest when people in our culture hear that the Bible makes it very clear that sex is for a HUSBAND and WIFE….and for no one else. That means before the marriage ceremony as well as after the marriage ceremony and excludes everyone except that one man and one woman in every definition of sexual activity.  Any questions?

Read the rest of this entry