Archive for January, 2010

The Greatest Fear of Women

The Bible says in the fifth chapter of Ephesians that the Greatest Fear of women is that they will be left alone and unloved….rejected.  This can take several forms. This fear can be that the woman remains married but will be ignored or isolated.  In its worst form of her fear, she will be used, abused and abandoned.  They believe that their partner, whom they have chosen to love and depend upon, will eventually tire of the relationship and find excitement or satisfaction elsewhere.  They are fearful that they will have wasted their affection and commitment.  In fact, they will be left without resources, without options, and finally without hope.

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The Deepest Fear of Men

Frightened BabyThe Bible (Ephesians 5:33) points out the greatest need in the heart of a man is the fear of being unworthy of respect or approval.  In common terms, we would say that man’s deepest fear would be a fear of failure, fear of accomplishing nothing, fear of not measuring up, or a fear that no one will find worth and value in him.  The woman that loves her husband will realize the delicate nature of the ego and self-esteem that a man possesses.

There are untold millions of examples of men who have tried to prove themselves in all sorts of amazingly creative ways (as well as many foolish ways) in order to overcome the deepest fears within. The driving force behind many of this nation’s most successful men has been the sense of embarrassment that would fall on them if they failed.  I recall a Russian weight-lifter who had been declared the strongest man in the world for seven years. Upon winning the Olympic gold medal, he returned to his friends and said, “Maybe now my wife will respect me.” He had at that point broken the world record 158 times, but he didn’t have his wife’s respect. Read the rest of this entry

Introduction to Our Greatest Fears

The Greatest Fear of Women and the Greatest Fear of Men

The Bible tells us that there are deep, abiding fears with each person.  They were created inside of each of us to help us become loving partners.  These are not weaknesses or character flaws that must be ignored, denied or covered up. They are part of that great divine creation called marriage.  You can read about it in Genesis 2:24 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”  Why do they want to become one flesh?  GOD created them to need each other.

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Freedom from Hopeless Repetition

Rule #2. I love you just the way you are. Some things CAN’T be changed. Some things you couldn’t change. I won’t ask you to change these. Backgrounds of family life or our “walk of faith”, personality, values, or Gifts that God has blessed us with… are most difficult to change. We just won’t argue about these things.

Rule # 2 is not something that we say out loud as Rule number 1 was, but it is rather something that we accept without argument.

Opposites really DO attract

There are many ways in which we can be opposites without being opposed to each other. There is something fundamental inside each of us that realizes there are things we need that we do not possess ourselves. The very quiet or shy people will often find mates who are outgoing and comfortable in social settings. Those who are conservative will often find themselves attracted to “free-spirits”. People who enjoy saving resources will find themselves married to someone who cannot leave a single dollar in their wallet unspent! I am afraid to even mention what the “neat” people have to put up with as they live with “slobs”.

It is almost as though God’s Spirit leads us to find the corresponding portions of our personalities that we need to keep us balanced. These differences are going to provide us plenty of opportunities to discuss and debate as our personalities interact. You will find that over time God’s Wisdom will have provided the right person for us so we are both spared the worst consequences of our individual personality types. Read the rest of this entry

Freedom from Extortion in Your Marriage

Rule #1: I love you. I will always love you. You are my husband/wife. I have pledged myself to help you, support you, and care for you. I’m not going to stop taking care of you.

A Good Fight is more than just screaming

Most arguments begin when someone really wants something that they are not getting!  The Bible explains it this way:

“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?
You want something, but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God.
When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with the wrong motives.”
(James 4:1-2)

Most normal people read those words and are shocked to think that the writer would think they would kill someone over blocked desires!  And they would never think that simply wanting something would be sin like “coveting”.  Besides, what does “asking God for what I want” have to do with my marriage relationship?  Just being married means I should be getting what is coming to me as a marriage partner.  Right?  It is only right for me to expect to be getting what I want out of the relationship!
And thus it starts.

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Do You Feel Trapped?

If you are feeling trapped in a very bad place we can help you.

We will show the right way to handle conflict in your marriage!

We call it the Ten Rules to a Good Fight.  You can read the Ten Rules to a Good Fight in a few minutes but you will not understand what they can do to transform your relationship with just a brief reading.  As I start teaching this lesson, I always poke fun at those taking the lesson.  I truthfully tell them that there will be “test” at some later session where I will find out how well they learned the lesson of the Ten Rules to a Good Fight.  I have a habit of getting couples into a fight on the last session, just to see how they handle it.  I warn everyone from the beginning that I will do this and I’m pretty good at finding those “buttons” to push to get things started.  And then we laugh at ourselves and get to work on taking the next step. Read the rest of this entry